Fitness, health, and physical activity have always been a part of my life. I was a motivated and imaginative kid, an energetic teenager, and have been (from around age 22 on) an active adult. I exercised a lot during my teenage years, but it was sporadic. Most of my "calorie burning," so to speak, was done through play. In the fitness world we call that NEAT (Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenesis).
I was a bendy teenager. When I was probably 11 or 12 I saw a Yoga book at a store in the mall. Every time I set foot in that mall I had to go look at that book. I would memorize a new pose and go home and shut myself in my room for hours til I mastered it. Then return to the mall, find a new pose, repeat. The internet wasn't what it is today, otherwise I probably would have spent hours googling yoga poses. My mom bought me that book for my birthday and I read it start to finish. I still have that book on my shelf, as a matter of fact.
I was a bendy teenager. When I was probably 11 or 12 I saw a Yoga book at a store in the mall. Every time I set foot in that mall I had to go look at that book. I would memorize a new pose and go home and shut myself in my room for hours til I mastered it. Then return to the mall, find a new pose, repeat. The internet wasn't what it is today, otherwise I probably would have spent hours googling yoga poses. My mom bought me that book for my birthday and I read it start to finish. I still have that book on my shelf, as a matter of fact.
As I've shared in adoption blog posts, growing our family hasn't come easily to us. If I wrote my own story, a lot of things would have gone differently. But I have to be thankful that the Lord writes my story... because He writes much more beautifully than I do. The times in my life I have tried to do things on my own, have turned out ugly.
Once my body hit that pubescent stage in high school, my perspective on health and fitness did a 180. I no longer ate 5,000 calories a day (total estimate). I became afraid of food. I started counting calories meticulously and obsessively. There were days I'd limit myself to a total of 500 calories and some days where I just would't eat at all. You see, so many times throughout my teenage years (and even during my childhood), people would see me pack away food and thoughtlessly say things like, "just wait til you get older... that will all catch up to you." I don't think anyone said those things realizing that those ideas would shape me and affect me for years to come. These people also didn't understand the first thing about how the body processes food. They didn't realize that I was fueling a very active body.
Day 90 of the P90X Program As a young adult (college student), I didn't eat the healthiest. I mean, I was careful not to overeat. I ate an ample amount of fruits, vegetables, and wholesome grains. I didn't eat near enough protein, though (I had a backward view of protein... another blog post in itself). I would go through phases of exercise, but nothing consistent... nothing that involved an actual lifestyle change. As soon as I graduated college, my husband and I decided to do the P90X challenge. I realized at that point how much I loved exercise and strength training. (Not that I would recommend that program, but, for me, it was a gateway to something I would grow to love.)
| Once I developed my love-hate relationship with food, I was no longer an active teenager. By the time I got home from school I would be exhausted from not eating, and lay down and nap til dinner. I was tired (obviously), and afraid that if I stayed awake, I'd be too tempted to feed my hungry stomach, so I'd sleep. It was destructive. Ultimately, I trashed the "super metabolism" that I had built up over the years. It was like my body went into "hibernation mode" to conserve body weight and energy. |  Me during high school. Ignore the wardrobe choice... I was at home. |
During my high school years I weighed myself every day. I wish I would have known then what I do now. I would have seen myself more accurately. Instead of fearing food and being exhausted all the time, I would have remained active and fueled my body (and felt great). But... I didn't. As a society, we have such a backward view of food, exercise, and how the body works in general.
| Shortly after finishing that program I bought my first-ever gym membership. It was scary going into the gym that first time. I felt like everyone was looking at me knowing I was a newbie. I felt like everyone thought I was just as out of place as I felt like I was. Now that I am a regular gym-goer, I can see that none of that was true. And I wonder how many new faces I see there are feeling the same things that I felt. Although I was working out at the gym regularly, my diet left much to be desired. I obsessively tracked my calories (paid no attention to micro or macro nutrients), and ate 600 or less calories a day (most days). It was terrible. I had no understanding of the NEAT concept, and I felt like I needed to burn all the calories I ate during the day during my workout at the gym. Which resulted in me sometimes going back to the gym later in the day if I wanted to "reward" myself with more food. Not to say it was all a mental thing, though. It wasn't. I was going through a really rough time and the thought of eating made me feel physically sick. I would eat and feel like I was going to vomit. |   |
 This is actually I picture I was taking of an oil burn on my arm, but you can see all the muscle I had lost in such a short time.  Another Picture of me from that time | (The pictures above on the right were both taken during that time. I still have those jeans in my closet, and trust me, they fit super snugly these days, and I'm okay with that) People noticed that I had dropped weight and would make comments. I would respond with "I've been sick." It was true. I had been heart-sick. But I was totally run down in every department. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually... I was totally spent. I started hating my body. I felt like parts were too big, other parts were too small. I noticed every discrepancy. I felt like I was poorly proportioned. I hated my body for all the things it was unable to do. I felt like, as a woman, the one thing my body should be able to do flawlessly (bear children), it couldn't do. No matter how hard I tried or how badly I wanted it, I couldn't make it happen... and I hated my body for it. I worked out because I wanted to see something different when I looked in the mirror. I worked out because I wanted to feel something different when I looked in the mirror. But all I could see was the negative... and all I could feel was the pain. |
Thankfully, my perspective has changed since then. (This is where I have been going with this post from the beginning... so, if you're still with me... congratulations!) Today I eat comfortably. I don't over-eat, but I don't under-eat either. I fuel my body. I don't hate food for fear that it will make me blow up like a balloon just because I look at it. I have a healthy relationship with food. I know that 1 "cheat" meal out of 1095 balanced healthy meals won't ruin me (assuming I eat 3 meals a day... but lets be real... I eat more than that!). I don't exercise regularly because I hate all the things my body can't do... I exercise because I only have one body and I want to care for it the best I can. And now I am amazed at all my body CAN do.
Let me tell you... exercising to change what I see in the mirror is exhausting. Looking at myself and being critical of everything I see is exhausting! Do I still have those days? Of course I do! But they are far less common than they once were. My goals these days are more "skills" goals and less aesthetic. My body is changing, yes, but that isn't the goal. I want to push my body to do more in my 30s than I could do in my 20s.
Let me tell you... exercising to change what I see in the mirror is exhausting. Looking at myself and being critical of everything I see is exhausting! Do I still have those days? Of course I do! But they are far less common than they once were. My goals these days are more "skills" goals and less aesthetic. My body is changing, yes, but that isn't the goal. I want to push my body to do more in my 30s than I could do in my 20s.
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I'm learning how to fuel my body. I'm learning to love my body. I'm learning to exercise in a way that pushes my body. I am in competition with no one but with myself. I don't compare myself to others the way I once did. And it is freeing. I don't know if this is part of getting older? Maybe as I age I just don't care so much anymore? Or am I just growing as a person? I'd like to think that I am becoming a stronger woman. Not just physically, but where it really matters. And now, I want to help others to shift their perspective the way I was able to shift mine.
So, here's to the first of (hopefully) many blog posts about health and fitness. Not just physical health and fitness, but emotional, spiritual, and mental fitness that lies beneath and drives the physical.
So, here's to the first of (hopefully) many blog posts about health and fitness. Not just physical health and fitness, but emotional, spiritual, and mental fitness that lies beneath and drives the physical.
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