(Edit March 1, 2019: Monday, March 4, 2019, my mom begins her new job as Director of Operations at her local Right to Life... the same organization she has been supporting in and believing in for so many years! So proud of her for chasing her passions and going after what she believes in!)
Anyway... to continue on with my original story....
While my parents were visiting, we gave them our bedroom and we stayed in our spare room. I remember the one night, just laying in bed and sobbing. I cried as quietly as I could, but my heart was absolutely broken. I remember Mitch got out of bed to grab me tissue out of the bathroom. My mom was waiting in the hall outside the room as he came out.
My mom giving her testimony at the women's breakfast
He told her that I would be. Of course, being a mom, she wanted to come in and be just that... a mom. But my step-dad told her she needed to leave me be and let my husband comfort me. I'm sure it took all the self-control my mom had within her to listen to him when she knew I was behind that door crying. She told me later she knew why I had been crying, which made it all harder. I had found out that morning that, once again, I was staring at another month of trying to grow our family...
They were literally walking out the door after saying our last goodbyes when I finally realized, "its now or never! If I don't say something, I know I will regret it." So I quickly said in a terribly shaky voice, "Can I ask you guys something?" They responded very fast with a "yes" and stepped back inside. My emotion must have screamed even though I spoke so softly. They stood and waited. I was working up the courage to ask the question that had been resounding in my mind for the past year and more. "If I never have babies, will you still be proud of me?" After the question was out of my mouth, all my emotion overflowed into weeping. I just stood there, dropped my head into my hands and just started crying. I never realized how afraid I was of their response until that moment.
They held me and cried with me and reassured me that they would always be proud of me. It's interesting how, no matter how old you get, you still want your parents to be proud of you. My mom said, "Is it because you're having a hard time getting pregnant?" I told her it had been two years and I was just getting so discouraged. She encouraged me and told me, "Char, I just know you are going to be a mom someday!" I said, "But what if it never happens?" If there is anything you should know about my mom, its that she exceedingly believes in her children. If it came down to a "battle of the talents" between myself and Michael Jordon, I'm pretty sure my mom would put all her money on me (okay, so I exaggerate, but you get my point! My mom believes in her children to a degree of ridiculousness!).
My mom said, "I just know! Don't ask me how I know, I just know that you WILL be a mom someday!" I loved that my mom was supportive, but I was so discouraged by reality, that being fed hope just made me resent hope more. It's hard to explain, I just remember feeling sick at the thought that she was probably wrong. No matter how badly I wanted to be a mother, it just wasn't in the cards for me. At this point, I had held my parents up and Mitch walked in to pick me up. He saw us standing in a small tear-filled circle. He knew what was up immediately. My parents pulled him into the circle and hugged us both, then they prayed over us.
That was one of the most emotional Sundays I have ever had. Not only was I emotionally all over the place because of the events of the weekend and morning, but I had to once again say goodbye to my family. I felt as though there were constant emotional triggers all morning. Someone asked if my parents had left and all I could do was nod and cry. The pastor reflected on the topics of the event over the weekend, and I cried. Mostly, I just wanted my mom. But I also wanted to curl up in a ball at home and not see or speak to anyone. Christmas was just around the corner and I didn't want to face the holidays that year.