I know it may seem ridiculous that I was so depressed, but there are so many factors that played into how I felt. It wasn't just a matter of "infertility," but years of suppressed feelings that had built up. But again, another blog post (or series of posts) entirely.
It was around that time that I had done some reading on the grieving process. Among the many emotions I tried to pinpoint, was the feeling of "grief." I had a hard time understanding how I could be "grieving," though. I had written in a journal entry:
Some days, more lately, I feel like I’m in a "grieving," or a "mourning" period. That is the best way I can explain it. I looked up the words “grieve” and “mourn” in the dictionary and found words like, "to distress mentally" and "to feel great sorrow." Yes, that explains my feelings. But, there were also things like, "to lament for the dead" and "feelings of misfortune, loss, or anything regretted." I haven’t lost anything. But if that is true, why do I feel like I have?
I have been grieving a loss. Or, at least that is what it feels like. But how can you grieve the loss of something you never had? I don’t know how, but I do know the feeling. It’s the feeling of missing a person that you have never met. But how does that make any sense either? Again, it doesn’t, but I understand the feeling.
Especially lately, I feel like I am mourning the loss of a baby that never has existed. I really don’t like feeling sad, and most times I’m fine. Usually I cry a little, or sometimes not at all, and then I face the day, week, next month and keep on trying. But not lately.
I got tired of opening up to people about how emotionally difficult infertility was, and being told that I lacked faith. Being told that my pain was a direct result of my lack of love and trust in the Lord. I couldn't agree with that. I did trust God... but by present circumstance hurt. I knew God would one day wipe away every tear and remove every sorrow, but not now. People didn't seem to understand that or be empathetic to it. So I buried it. I put on the best face I could and made myself stone so no one could hurt me with their words. I know now that I did more harm than good, but I just didn't know any other way to protect myself.