I just kept thinking, "people get pregnant, by accident, all the time! Why is this so hard for me? People talk like its a simple process, but apparently it isn't as simple as people make it sound." Who ever thought of telling people, "if you just stop thinking about it so much, then it will happen"? What silly advice.
When we left that appointment, I wept. I vowed that I would never tell anyone that I was having trouble conceiving. I forced smiles and sarcasm when confronted with questions about babies. I wasn't going to give someone the opportunity to laugh away my deepest hurt again. Was my pain so laughable to people? Was I sad about something so pathetic? I started feeling like so much was wrong with me. I quickly became ashamed of my feelings, of my situation, and especially of my body.
I felt like for so much of my life I was laughed at. People treated my emotions with laughter and teasing. This experience drove me further inward, making me never want to tell anyone my deepest fears, desires, and hurts ever again. When baring your heart results in laughter or teasing, it becomes a very undesirable task. That is what happened to me over the years, especially during this chapter of my life.