And so we began the second year. Shortly into that year, my first nephew was born. I really was excited to be an aunt. I never just pretended to be happy; I legitimately was happy and I truly loved my little nephew. I was excited for the day that it would be me taking my little one home from the hospital, and the wait hurt, but there was underlying excitement for what lay in store...
Honestly, there were so many other emotions on the loose while we waited at the hospital for the birth of my nephew, that I didn't think too much about infertility. My little sister had just broken off her engagement and was telling my parents about it in the waiting room. I hadn't been feeling 100% that day and had slipped off to use the restroom. I quickly realized why I felt over-tired and nauseous... I also realized that we were facing another month of trying... Again, I was not pregnant. But, like I said, I quickly pushed the thought away from my mind because of everything else that was going on.
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I do remember a lot that year, when realizing month after month that I once again was not pregnant, I would tell myself, "of course you're not." Especially during the months where I would imagine I was pregnant a lot... Months that I was late... I would think "maybe.." But then I would find out differently and say to myself, "what were you thinking? You aren't going to get pregnant, just let it go." I soon began feeling like such a fool for imagining that I would conceive and bring forth life. That may sound silly, but it truly was how I felt.
I had a tendency of crushing my own hopes time after time. I would mentally prepare myself for the worst, so that when I received the bad news, I wouldn't be disappointed. But disappointment always inevitably followed.
I remember one evening early in our journey sitting down to dinner with Mitch. I just started bawling. I shared my fears of maybe not being able to have children. You see, we had been married for 2 years, almost 3, and had never used birth control. I just felt like, there were so many opportunities to accidentally get pregnant, and I didn't. And now that we were trying, I still wasn't. My best friend was wanting to start a family at the time too, which added another level of anxiety. I actually recently looked back at a letter that I had written to her during that time. I had said,
"If you get pregnant, I want you to know that I really will be so happy for you. You will make excellent parents and I know how badly you two want a baby. If I were to not seem like I was happy, it would probably just be because I'd feel like I was missing out. Missing out on being there with you and missing out on being pregnant. We always have talked about going through that together, and I really don't want to miss it.
I think I am just discouraged because I really thought I was pregnant this last time. I felt almost positive that I was. I was actually surprised when the test read negative. I guess I just feel let down. I really don't want to get my hopes up again, because it really hurt last time. I didn't even tell Mitch until two days later. He felt badly because he felt like he let me carry that around with me for two days on my own. So by that time everything I had been suppressing had built up and came out all at once without being fully processed.
I just don't want anyone to think there is something wrong with me. And I don't want anyone to think that this sort of thing would even bother me. I don't even want people to think that I night possible want to have kids right now. It is just a lot easier to pretend that babies are loud and annoying and a negative pregnancy test is good news. I have a hard time talking about this sort of thing. It is one thing to write it all out, but to actually talk about it and admit, "no, I'm not doing okay and this is really hard for me"...that is another story."
No matter how many times I lied to myself, or tried to put on a stone front, I was aching inside. I was hurting so much. Every month I felt like a little more of the Char I once knew died. How could I ever be the hopeful girl I was two years before?
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