But, here I am once again. I have recently had people in my life share that they have read bits and pieces of my story. People have been encouraged from what I have shared. They have shared my blog with people they know who are struggling with the pain and heartbreak of infertility. Although it is difficult to relive these times, I don’t want to forget the hard stuff.
I am one of those people who HATES vulnerability. Don’t get me wrong. I admire vulnerability in others. I crave vulnerability in others. I have found healing through vulnerability in others. I just hate being vulnerable myself. I don’t like showing emotion. I don’t like others seeing the raw painful parts of my life. I feel like I open myself up and expose my heart for the scrutiny and assumptions of others. And I don’t like that. Probably traces back to some childhood trauma... but whatever the deeper explanation, it’s really hard for me.
But a goal of mine for the 2019 year is to be better about writing on my blog. I struggle sometimes with content ideas. But this is a series I had already started, and I have set up to continue. I really feel like I shouldn’t have called the series “Bringing Home Emmanuel.” When I started it, it was so shortly after becoming a mom, that I felt like bringing home our son was the end of the story. But I realize now, 3 1/2 years later, that it is not the end. Infertility didn’t stop when my son was born... duh. I didn’t adopt because I was infertile... so why would my journey end with our first adoption? Obviously, it didn’t.
The Lord began a healing work in me before I even knew about my son. But that isn’t to say I don’t still have my “days.” They just don’t come as often or last as long. It’s not an all-the-time, everyday struggle. I can function much better than I could before. I have come a long way, but we still cannot have children biologically.... that part of the story has not changed.
The way the Lord heals a couple of infertility isn’t carbon copied. It doesn’t look the same for everyone. My healing didn’t result in pregnancy. My healing was totally in my heart, not in my body or my husband’s body. We often hear testimonies of “how God healed my infertility” and the climax of the story is those two lines on a pregnancy test. Those are beautiful stories, but that is not always the case, and that is ok. Just because you don’t get pregnant, doesn’t mean you cannot find healing.
So, this post isn’t exactly the next part in the series of “Bringing Home Emmanuel.” This is more a transition post. I feel like I should call the series something like, “My Journey to Motherhood” or something. I am still on that journey. As we are working on bringing more children into our home, old wounds are triggered and surface, but I have a different kind of hope now than I once did. So, “Bringing Home Emmanuel Part 13” will be continued in my next post titled, “My Journey to Motherhood Part 14”... same series, different title. This will be an on-going story that continues far beyond the birth and adoption of my first son.
So, stay tuned. My hope and prayer is that someone is encouraged through my story. That people will find healing in their own infertility journey. I also hope that more people would be encouraged to adopt and foster children through sharing my own experiences.