I can't believe my little man is one year old today... This past year has gone by so fast. This last week, leading up to his birthday, I have been reminiscing over what my life was like a year ago. I was rocking him in his room a couple days ago, thinking about that same day last year. I was probably rocking in that same chair with empty arms, imagining what he would be like and how much we would love him. Trying to create the feeling of what it would be like to rock my baby to sleep.
A year ago today we were at the hospital, after staying up all night with Emmanuel's birth mother. We were all exhausted, but my exhaustion paled in comparison to all the emotions I was feeling that morning.
I'll never forget seeing that little face enter this world for the first time. I looked at that tiny body in the nurses arms and I thought to myself, "that's my boy." I was completely overwhelmed. I just stood next to the hospital bed and wept. A nurse handed me the tools I needed to cut the cord, and I shook my head. I had wanted to do it, but when the moment came, I was too emotional and I just couldn't. I was a sobbing, shaking mess.
A nurse lifted Emmanuel, wiped him off, weighed him, and wrapped him up. She put a little hat on his full head of black hair and placed him in my arms. He was so tiny and so beautiful. I just stood there looking at him through blurred vision. My tears washed over his tiny face and I thanked God over and over and over.
I think we are all in those situations at times. We are so bound by time, that we see only one frame at a time. We are stuck in a one-frame, small picture, moment in time. God doesn't reveal all his plans to us at once, and sometimes, He doesn't reveal them at all. He is God, He is on the Throne, He is faithful, and we need to trust that He knows what He is doing, better than we do. During those difficult years of waiting to be a mom, I would remind myself often that God was on the Throne, and that He was Good. I had to remind myself that God was writing the story of my life, and that my idea of good and perfect, may be different from His idea. He defines what is good and perfect, not I.