When we first started trying to grow our family, we told only a few very close friends. I didn't want anyone to know. Everyone seems to have an opinion about when you should start a family. Most people I knew didn't have an opinion that jived very well with mine. I knew too many people thought I was too young, so I kept my feelings to myself. I knew couples who had been married longer than I had who thought, "No way! I don't want kids yet!"...I guess in a way I was embarrassed that I wanted so badly to be a mom right away, so I put on the act of not wanting kids. I figured that when I got pregnant, people would just accept it and be excited...no longer concerned if I were too young or whatever.
I went through a long period feeling like wanting kids was a bad thing. I felt like every dream or ambition that I had, people thought, "Why would you want to do that?!" Like it was foolish. So I watched people I loved get excited for everyone who became pregnant, knowing that if it were me, no one would be excited... Or that is how I felt, at least...
I went through a long period feeling like wanting kids was a bad thing. I felt like every dream or ambition that I had, people thought, "Why would you want to do that?!" Like it was foolish. So I watched people I loved get excited for everyone who became pregnant, knowing that if it were me, no one would be excited... Or that is how I felt, at least...
Most girls I knew at the time, when they got married, went on some form of birth control. I never did. People always said things like, "you better be careful; you might end up pregnant." Or "are you crazy?! You don't want to have a baby yet!" Everything about me and pregnancy at that time was looked at very negatively. I felt like my feelings were wrong. I felt like a fool who wanted something that the world knew I wasn't ready for. I often thought that people must just assume I wouldn't be a good mom.
So I started learning to respond to questions about growing my family with the attitude of "no way, not yet." Especially during that first year of trying to conceive. I didn't want people to know that I was trying to get pregnant and hadn't yet. I had such a deep desire in my heart to be a mother, and I felt like the world was against it. I know that sounds dramatic. But I felt like the walls were closing in on me. Not only did I want this so badly, and everyone else (it seemed) wanted the opposite, but I wasn't getting pregnant.
So I started learning to respond to questions about growing my family with the attitude of "no way, not yet." Especially during that first year of trying to conceive. I didn't want people to know that I was trying to get pregnant and hadn't yet. I had such a deep desire in my heart to be a mother, and I felt like the world was against it. I know that sounds dramatic. But I felt like the walls were closing in on me. Not only did I want this so badly, and everyone else (it seemed) wanted the opposite, but I wasn't getting pregnant.
Mitch and I at my college graduation 2011
I remember when we hit right around the 9 month point. That was when my sister announced that she was pregnant. It was the day after my college graduation. I think that was such a blow because it was Mother's Day when she told us. Just 9 months before that I was thinking, "if I get pregnant, our baby will be at my graduation and I will be a mom this Mother's Day." And I wasn't. I still clung to the hope that I was at a prime age and my chances were high.
After about 13 months I really started to feel like hope was slipping away from me. Had I gone into this whole thing knowing it may take a long time, that probably wouldn't have been so heavy emotionally, but that just wasn't the case. I remember my body being so sensitive to anything that could be a symptom of early pregnancy. My mind would play tricks on me and I would find myself almost imagining that I was pregnant. I'd wonder if I would have a boy or a girl. I'd think about how much fun it would be to tell our parents that they would be grandparents. I would do the math to figure out when the due date would be to see what time of year the baby would come. But I woke up that morning to realize once again that it was going to be another month of wondering and waiting.
 |  A boy I was nanny to |
That morning I laid in bed and sobbed. I had so many emotions that I didn't know how to express. Mitch came in and asked if I was ok. I told him I was sick... I was... I was heart sick. I was working full-time as a nanny then, and I was too sick to face that sort of job that day. Mitch called for me and told them that I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be able to come. On the other end of the phone, the joke "maybe she's pregnant" was made.
Mitch would never tell me about it, but I found out the next day. I know there was nothing malicious in the comment. No one was "out to get me" or hurt me. But it hurt. I felt like the idea of me being a mom was so laughable to everyone but me. The desire to be a mother started becoming the one thing I hated about myself.
We made it through the first year, and I started thinking something was wrong with me, so we decided to get some help.
Mitch would never tell me about it, but I found out the next day. I know there was nothing malicious in the comment. No one was "out to get me" or hurt me. But it hurt. I felt like the idea of me being a mom was so laughable to everyone but me. The desire to be a mother started becoming the one thing I hated about myself.
We made it through the first year, and I started thinking something was wrong with me, so we decided to get some help.
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